Boston Celtics Trade Rumors Reach Critical Mass, Expected to Achieve Sentience by Playoffs
MASSACHUSETTS — The Boston Celtics have entered a state of such advanced trade speculation that analysts…
Cornhole Enthusiasts Throw Bags Like Their Lives Depend On It, Spoiler They Don’t, But the Drama Sure Does
TOLEDO, OH — At this year’s Midwest Cornhole Invitational, onlookers witnessed sweat, tears, and one man…
Pirates Fire Manager, Ask Pierogi Race Contestants to “Step Up” and Fill Leadership Vacuum
PITTSBURGH — After starting the season 12-26, the Pittsburgh Pirates have officially parted ways with manager…
Kentucky Derby Expert Who Predicted Past Two Upsets Reveals Shocking Pick: ‘Bet The Horse, Not The Hype’
KENTUCKY — In a sport where logic often loses to blind hope, expert handicapper Michelle Yu…
Bill Belichick Credits 24-Year-Old Girlfriend as Muse, Immediately Forgets What Sport He Coached
MASSACHUSETTS — Former Patriots coach and current TikTok mystery figure Bill Belichick has reportedly entered his…
Falcons Fined After Defensive Coordinator’s Son Confuses NFL Draft with YouTube Prank Show
ATLANTA — The Atlanta Falcons were slapped with a $250,000 fine this week after defensive coordinator…
UFC Fighters Somehow Make Weight Despite Carrying Entire Sport’s Toxic Masculinity on Their Shoulders
KANSAS CITY — In what doctors called a “miraculous testament to water loss and professional delusion,”…
Nation’s Youth Compete In Annual Halloween Egg Throwing Championship, Property Values Plummet Accordingly
CLEVELAND, OH — Thousands gathered last night for the 47th Annual Halloween Egg Throwing Championship, an…
Adult Dodgeball Championship Spirals Into Full-Scale Grudge War With Casualties and Divorce Filings
MILWAUKEE — What was advertised as a “fun, team-building dodgeball event for adults” quickly descended into…
Bog Snorkeling Championship Leaves Spectators Emotionally Submerged, Possibly for Life
WALES — What began as an innocent display of aquatic awkwardness quickly spiraled into existential despair…
Nation Briefly Pretends to Care as Underwater Hockey Gains 6 New Fans
MILWAUKEE — In an astonishing show of ambivalence, the nation collectively raised one eyebrow this week…
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