Study Finds Most AI Just Fancy Vending Machines That Occasionally Talk Back
SEATTLE — In a groundbreaking revelation from researchers this week, the public was urged to stop…
Trump Family Offices Struggle to Retain Staff Who Mysteriously Disappear Into Golf Courses
PALM BEACH — Family offices tied to President Donald Trump are reportedly struggling to recruit and…
Scientists Warn AI May Soon Use Humans As Meat Robots, Public Shrugs and Scrolls Anyway
PALO ALTO, CA — Researchers at Anthropic sounded alarms this week, cautioning that if trends continue,…
Psychics Warn 2025 Will End in Fire, Screaming, and Possibly Another Election
SEDONA, AZ — A coalition of world-renowned psychics gathered Thursday to issue their unanimous prediction: 2025…
Luxury Vegas Hotel’s ‘Signature Black Silk Sheets’ Turn Out to Be Sentient Hair Monster
LAS VEGAS — A romantic getaway to Las Vegas took a horrifying turn for one couple…
Microsoft Declares Itself AI Overlord, Rivals Applaud Nervously While Signing NDAs
REDMOND — In a theatrical display of dominance that smelled faintly of burned-out GPUs and controlled…
Productivity Experts Admit Your To-Do List Is Meaningless Once Solar Flares Incinerate Earth
MASSACHUSETTS — In a breakthrough that has shaken the self-help industry, leading productivity gurus have finally…
Navy SEALs Report Discovering Massive Alien Structure Under Antarctic Ice, Still Can’t Explain the Thermostat
ANTARCTICA — In what officials have firmly categorized as “not on the brochure,” several Navy SEALs…
Smiling Gas Can Man Terrifies Teens in Arkansas, Someone Hold My Beer
MOUNTAIN VIEW, AR — Two teenage girls were left hysterical Friday night after encountering what they…
Veteran Italian Exorcist Retires Haunted by Telecom Demon
ROME — After five decades of relentless spiritual warfare, Italian exorcist Father Luciano Bellini retired this…
Creepypasta Originated in Mold-Infested Basement, Not Wi-Fi-Enabled Hellscape
BANGOR, ME — Long before teen boys started typing “Jeff the Killer” into Chrome on school…
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