Trump Mandates Ten Commandments in Schools, Says “Kids Need Rules That Weren’t Written by Woke Nerds”
WASHINGTON — In a move hailed by televangelists and denounced by exhausted parents, President Donald Trump…
Veteran Italian Exorcist Retires Haunted by Telecom Demon
ROME — After five decades of relentless spiritual warfare, Italian exorcist Father Luciano Bellini retired this…
Backpacker Finds Himself in Middle of Cult Ritual, Rates Hostel 4 Stars for Cultural Immersion
CUSCO, PERU — 23-year-old backpacker Kyle Denton found himself accidentally inducted into a midnight blood rite…
New Pope Calls Election “A Blessing And A Cross,” Vatican Remains Unsure Which One Is Winning
VATICAN CITY — In his first Mass as Pope Leo XIV, the newly elected leader of…
Vatican Elects First Ever ‘Pope Lite’ in Bid to Modernize Catholicism
ROME — After just two days of deliberation, white smoke signaled the election of a new…
Exhausted Stripper Receives 2 AM Pep Talk From Surprisingly Chill Jesus After Grueling Shift
LAS VEGAS, NV — Local entertainer Brandi Vallencourt reported a miraculous encounter early Sunday when Jesus…
Khloé Kardashian Vows To Replace Entire Lower Body With Single Perfect Butt Cheek By 2026
CALIFORNIA — In a vanity pivot so inevitable it was practically foretold in the Book of…
Government Accidentally Opens Portal to Hell, Then Grants It Tax-Exempt Church Status
WASHINGTON — In what officials are calling a “clerical whoopsie,” the U.S. government confirmed Thursday that…
Jesus Returns, Immediately Diagnoses Authoritarian Brains as “Kinda Weird, Honestly”
WASHINGTON — In a surprise return visit, Jesus Christ appeared briefly on Earth this week and…
Local Man Declares Himself Enlightened After Realizing He’s Absolutely No One
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — After twenty-seven consecutive hours of staring at his own reflection, local barista…
God Reportedly “Taking A Walk” As Vatican Waits On New Pope Decision
VATICAN CITY — Following the death of Pope Francis at age 88 on Easter Monday, reports…
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