Walmart Deploys Security Robots, Shoppers Miss Warmth of Judgmental Human Greeters
TOPEKA — Chaos broke out at a local Walmart this week after the retail giant deployed…
Amazon to Build $10 Billion AI Data Centers in North Carolina, Accidentally Becomes State’s Largest Religion
RALEIGH — Amazon confirmed this week it will invest $10 billion into a sprawling network of…
Woman Achieves Inner Peace After Finally Accepting That Nothing She Does Matters
TULSA, OK — Local woman Megan Chen, 34, reportedly achieved total inner peace Tuesday after a…
Apple Announces Annual iPhone Redesigns to Help Customers Emotionally Prepare for Eternal Regret
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple confirmed Monday it will dramatically redesign the iPhone every year for the…
Surge in Amish Food Popularity Linked to Americans Wanting to Live Longer, Eat Butter, and Marry Someone Who Knows What a Rutabaga Is
LANCASTER, PA — In a stunning turn for a culture that once deep-fried Pop-Tarts, Americans are…
Study Confirms Hot Yoga Practitioners 90% More Likely to Announce It Unprompted
CALIFORNIA — A groundbreaking new study has revealed that individuals who practice hot yoga are significantly…
Productivity Experts Admit Your To-Do List Is Meaningless Once Solar Flares Incinerate Earth
MASSACHUSETTS — In a breakthrough that has shaken the self-help industry, leading productivity gurus have finally…
New Self-Care Trend: Lying in a Cozy Grave You Dug Yourself, It’s Surprisingly Meditative!
DELAWARE — In a world where wellness trends grow more absurd by the minute, a shocking…
LGBTQ Pride Parades Forced Underground in Russia
MOSCOW — In a flamboyant shift from glittering streets to grimy subterranean tunnels, Russia’s LGBTQ+ community…
Walmart Greeter Demands Answers From Universe Mid-Shift
MUSKEGON, MI — Chaos briefly erupted at a local Walmart when longtime greeter Linda Farnsworth, 27,…
Nationwide Whoopee Cushion Recall Rattles National Dignity
In a jaw-dropping development shaking both novelty stores and third-grade classrooms nationwide, the U.S. Consumer Product…
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