Local Man Cures Depression by Filling Entire House with Chia Pets, Becomes Emotionally Entangled with Ceramic Hedgehog
TOLEDO, OH — After years of battling crushing depression, local man Greg Walters has reportedly found…
Study Finds Surge in Women Headbanging to 80s Hair Metal After YouTube Told Them To
LOS ANGELES, CA — Researchers confirmed this week that an increasing number of women in their…
Man’s Taco Bell Addiction Cured After Can of Redemption Beans Miraculously Falls from Ceiling
TOLEDO — Local man Greg Walters was reportedly jolted from his routine Wednesday when a dusty…
Experts Confirm Religion and Politics Both Traced to Single Ancient Urge to Control Snack Distribution
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a groundbreaking study released Monday, experts confirmed that both religion and politics…
Harvard Study Finds Daily Smiling And Clapping Significantly Reduces Chances Of Marrying Total Disaster
CAMBRIDGE — A groundbreaking Harvard University study revealed this week that students who smile and clap…
Nation’s Spines Officially Surrender as Doom Scrolling, Slouching, and Existential Dread Form Perfect Posture Apocalypse
MARYLAND — Across the country, spines have collectively given up, sliding into shapes once reserved for…
Traditional Wife Heroically Calls Cleaning in Heels a Form of ‘Soft Rebellion’ Against Microwave Culture
TOPEKA, KS — Local traditional wife Kelly Potworst announced Thursday that her lifestyle of homeschooling, cooking,…
Global Survey Finds Americans Eat Like Rabid Raccoons Fighting Over Cheesecake Near Dumpster
INTERNATIONAL — A scathing new global survey released this week concluded that Americans apparently eat like…
Scientist Spends 17 Years, $40 Million to Discover That Moving Your Body Occasionally Might Be Good
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a groundbreaking study that took nearly two decades and an obscene amount…
Woman Drops 100 Pounds by Adding Olive Oil, Doctors Confused but Impressed
LOUISIANA — A local woman stunned medical professionals by losing over 100 pounds in under a…
Walmart Deploys Security Robots, Shoppers Miss Warmth of Judgmental Human Greeters
TOPEKA — Chaos broke out at a local Walmart this week after the retail giant deployed…
Get Your Daily Snort T-Shirt Here
It Doesn’t Feel Joy. It Just Cleans.
