Man’s Taco Bell Addiction Cured After Can of Redemption Beans Miraculously Falls from Ceiling
TOLEDO — Local man Greg Walters was reportedly jolted from his routine Wednesday when a dusty…
Nutrition Experts Urge Public to Eat Rainbow, Immediately Regret It After Seeing What Blue Food Looks Like
UTAH — In a groundbreaking health recommendation, scientists have declared that eating every color of the…
Woman With 10 Cats Declares “Soup and Crackers Forever,” Achieves Budget Nirvana
BOISE, ID — Local woman Janine Keller, 46, has embraced what she calls the “simple cheap…
Trump’s ‘No MAGA Left Behind’ Program Under Fire For Mandating Daily Pledge To Mar-A-Lago
WASHINGTON — Facing backlash from educators, human rights groups, and at least three confused astronauts, President…
Surge in Amish Food Popularity Linked to Americans Wanting to Live Longer, Eat Butter, and Marry Someone Who Knows What a Rutabaga Is
LANCASTER, PA — In a stunning turn for a culture that once deep-fried Pop-Tarts, Americans are…
Local Man Embraces Farm-to-Table Lifestyle by Consuming Own Lawn to Beat Grocery Prices
CINCINNATI — Calling it a “heroic return to natural living,” local resident Kyle Mercer announced Monday…
10 Packs of Weed Gummies Taught Me That America is a Dysfunctional Theme Park
COLORADO — Armed with nothing but a rental car and ten packs of weed gummies, I…
Burger King Ordered to Face Lawsuit After Whoppers Measured at ‘Sad Trombone’ Size
Miami, FL – A federal judge has ruled that Burger King must answer for allegedly tricking…
Local Man Sparks Family Feud After Suggesting Olives on Pizza Like It’s 1939 Again
OMAHA, NE — A Saturday night pizza order spiraled into a full-blown ideological war when 34-year-old…
Yogurt Prices Push Americans to Extreme Homesteading: ‘I Churn My Own Now Like a Pilgrim’
FLORIDA — As inflation tightens its grip on the American wallet, citizens are taking drastic measures…
PepsiCo Promises to Make Snacks Healthy by 2025, Says Artificial Chemicals Will Now Occur Naturally
ARIZONA — In an unbelievable response to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s call for a healthier America,…
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