Woman With 10 Cats Declares “Soup and Crackers Forever,” Achieves Budget Nirvana
BOISE, ID — Local woman Janine Keller, 46, has embraced what she calls the “simple cheap…
Target Misses Earnings, Blames DEI Whiplash, Trump Tariffs, and “Woke Ghosts in the Breakroom”
MINNEAPOLIS — In a staggering Q1 earnings miss Tuesday, Target reported financial results so bad they…
Local Man’s Optimism Now Considered Pre-Existing Condition, Denied Coverage for Hope
TOLEDO, OH — In what health officials are calling “a textbook case of irrational positivity,” 38-year-old…
Goth Hoarder Wins Lottery and Refuses To Move Anything
QUEENS, NY — Longtime hoarder and part-time QVC enthusiast Dolores Caprice, 29, was stunned this week…
Home Depot Refuses to Raise Prices, Chooses Economic Martyrdom Over Disappointing Trump
ATLANTA — In a brave stance against basic capitalism, Home Depot announced it will not raise…
Trump Personally Delivers Budget Pitch to Congress, Promises “More Freedom, Less Math”
WASHINGTON — Arriving on Capitol Hill in a golf cart with a bald eagle hood ornament,…
Elon Musk Declares Democracy “Stabilized Enough” After Personally Installing President, Steps Back to Focus on Mars
DOHA, QATAR — In a moment of philanthropic exhaustion, Elon Musk announced plans to scale back…
Trump Threatens to “Name and Shame” Greedy Corporations Unless They Personally Eat the Tariffs Like Real Patriots
WASHINGTON — In a furious Truth Social post typed entirely in caps with at least seven…
As Musk Retreats From Spotlight, President Trump Declares Dogecoin “Official Backup Currency” After Treasury Secretary Quits
WASHINGTON — In a surprise press conference held in front of a malfunctioning Tesla Supercharger, President…
Stock Market Extends Winning Streak, Investors Still Waiting for Happiness
NEW YORK — The S&P 500 notched its fifth consecutive win this week, proving once again…
Retail Investors Sell Children’s Toys, Functioning Organs to Buy Dip, Feel “Economically Patriotic”
NEW YORK — Driven by pure confidence and a whisper of desperation, thousands of retail investors…
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