Tesla Stock Plummets After Musk-Trump Feud Forces Investors to Choose Favorite Cult Leader
AUSTIN — Tesla shares cratered this week, shedding $380 billion in value after CEO Elon Musk’s…
Psychics Warn 2025 Will End in Fire, Screaming, and Possibly Another Election
SEDONA, AZ — A coalition of world-renowned psychics gathered Thursday to issue their unanimous prediction: 2025…
Luxury Vegas Hotel’s ‘Signature Black Silk Sheets’ Turn Out to Be Sentient Hair Monster
LAS VEGAS — A romantic getaway to Las Vegas took a horrifying turn for one couple…
Navy SEALs Report Discovering Massive Alien Structure Under Antarctic Ice, Still Can’t Explain the Thermostat
ANTARCTICA — In what officials have firmly categorized as “not on the brochure,” several Navy SEALs…
Gamers Brace for $100 Titles as Industry Confirms You’ll Pay Extra to Finish the Game You Already Bought
REDMOND, WA — Major studios announced Monday that $80 to $100 games are “probably just the…
Epic Asks Judge To Legally Compel Apple To Let Kids Shoot Each Other On iPads Again
SAN FRANCISCO — After years of bitter legal combat, Epic Games filed a new motion Monday…
“Final Destination” Fan Dies on Vacation in Way That Would’ve Earned Standing Ovation from Death Itself
KEY WEST, FL — Local authorities confirmed Monday that 32-year-old Trevor Lindell, a self-proclaimed Final Destination…
Nationwide Whoopee Cushion Recall Rattles National Dignity
In a jaw-dropping development shaking both novelty stores and third-grade classrooms nationwide, the U.S. Consumer Product…
Tony Hawk Keeps Politely Begging Mega-Corp to Let Him Remake Game That Literally Has His Name On It
LOS ANGELES — Legendary skateboarder Tony Hawk confirmed this week that he’s still campaigning to remake…
Trump’s Sudden Love for Taxing the Rich Raises Eyebrows, Especially Among Rich People
WASHINGTON—In a move that has rocked the political world, President Donald Trump recently expressed an openness…
We Tried Late-Stage Capitalism and All We Got Was This Billionaire Space Cult
UNITED STATES — After decades of relentless innovation, wealth consolidation, and gig-economy cheerleading, citizens confirmed Thursday…
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