Fed Maintains Bold ‘Do Absolutely Nothing’ Strategy As Economy Spirals Into Abstract Art
WASHINGTON — Confirming their unwavering commitment to watch things fall apart in slow motion, the Federal…
Experts Recommend Continuing 401(k) Contributions Despite Nation’s Obvious Collapse Into Flaming Financial Void
LOUISIANA — Financial advisors this week reassured Americans that continuing 401(k) contributions is still wise, even…
Trump Patiently Waiting for Tariff Inflation Like It’s a Pizza That Never Arrives
WASHINGTON — As President Donald Trump continues to insist that inflation from his tariffs is “definitely…
Trump Family Offices Struggle to Retain Staff Who Mysteriously Disappear Into Golf Courses
PALM BEACH — Family offices tied to President Donald Trump are reportedly struggling to recruit and…
Markets Plunge as Traders Realize Trump-China Deal Actually Requires Reading
NEW YORK — Wall Street trembled Wednesday as stock futures dipped sharply following news that the…
Wall Street CEOs Discover Fifth Stage of Grief Is Just Buying More Gold Toilets
NEW YORK — Financial titans across Manhattan reportedly entered the bargaining phase of tariff grief this…
Trump Blames China Export Drop on “Lack of Effort,” Suggests They Try Shipping Harder
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump addressed the sudden plunge in Chinese exports to the United States,…
Tesla Stock Plummets After Musk-Trump Feud Forces Investors to Choose Favorite Cult Leader
AUSTIN — Tesla shares cratered this week, shedding $380 billion in value after CEO Elon Musk’s…
Trump Praises Diaper Layoffs, Says “Babies Should Learn To Hustle”
CINCINNATI, OH — Pampers manufacturer Procter & Gamble announced Monday it will slash 7,000 jobs over…
Dollar General Posts Record Profits as Rich Discover Poor People’s Stores Are Full of Cheap Stuff
GOODLETTSVILLE, TN — In a surprising twist that economists are calling “hilarious but deeply cursed,” Dollar…
Meta Secures 20-Year Deal With Nuclear Plant to Keep AI Thinking About Your Ex at Full Power
MENLO PARK, CA — In a bold move to ensure uninterrupted access to existential dread in…
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