Study Finds Carrying Cash Now Considered More Reckless Than Juggling Chainsaws While Blindfolded
CHICAGO — A new safety study released this week found that walking around with physical cash…
Amazon Heroically Saves Gamers From Paying Actual Money By Dumping Free Games Ahead Of Prime Day
SEATTLE — In a bold act of consumer generosity, Amazon announced it will fling free video…
Harvard Study Finds Daily Smiling And Clapping Significantly Reduces Chances Of Marrying Total Disaster
CAMBRIDGE — A groundbreaking Harvard University study revealed this week that students who smile and clap…
Fed Maintains Bold ‘Do Absolutely Nothing’ Strategy As Economy Spirals Into Abstract Art
WASHINGTON — Confirming their unwavering commitment to watch things fall apart in slow motion, the Federal…
Fox News Accused Of Adding Fake Applause, Fireworks, And Screaming Bald Eagles To Trump Parade Live Stream
NEW YORK — Fox News faced heated accusations this week after eagle-eyed viewers alleged the network…
House Republicans, Democrats Courageously Unite To Block Trump From Accidentally Starting War While Ordering Lunch
WASHINGTON — In a rare flash of bipartisan heroism, House Republicans and Democrats banded together this…
Gen Z and Gen Alpha Embrace ‘Messy Authenticity’ Online, Manage to Perfectly Curate Looking Uncurated
MASSACHUSETTS — Social media platforms are now dominated by Gen Z and Gen Alpha, who have…
Nation’s Spines Officially Surrender as Doom Scrolling, Slouching, and Existential Dread Form Perfect Posture Apocalypse
MARYLAND — Across the country, spines have collectively given up, sliding into shapes once reserved for…
Nutrition Experts Urge Public to Eat Rainbow, Immediately Regret It After Seeing What Blue Food Looks Like
UTAH — In a groundbreaking health recommendation, scientists have declared that eating every color of the…
U.S. Tourism Hits New Low as Canadians Finally Realize It’s Just America
NEW YORK CITY — The U.S. tourism industry suffered another devastating blow in May as overseas…
Pentagon Slashes AI Weapons Testing Team, Accelerating Nation’s March Toward Glitchy Robot Apocalypse
LAS VEGAS — In a move praised by defense contractors and feared by everyone else, the…
Get Your Daily Snort T-Shirt Here
It Doesn’t Feel Joy. It Just Cleans.
