NEW YORK — Wall Street trembled Wednesday as stock futures dipped sharply following news that the U.S. and China had agreed to a trade deal nobody bothered to read. Analysts confirmed the 1,200-page document was “technically a deal” in the sense that it exists and could theoretically be signed at some point before the heat death of the universe.
Investors initially cheered the breakthrough until realizing the agreement contained actual enforceable terms rather than just a photo op with oversized pens. The Dow Jones Industrial Average promptly lost 300 points as traders collectively remembered that trade policy affects things beyond quarterly bonuses and golf resort revenues.
White House officials assured reporters the deal was “very bigly,” though they declined to specify whether this referred to its economic impact or the font size used to obscure the fine print. China’s state media simply ran the headline “America Blinked First Again” alongside a stock image of a sad bald eagle.
Financial experts now warn the only thing more volatile than the markets is Trump’s Sharpie supply when asked to autograph binding international agreements. Meanwhile, Beijing announced plans to celebrate by building islands in the South China Sea shaped like question marks.
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