NEW YORK — Financial titans across Manhattan reportedly entered the bargaining phase of tariff grief this week after President Trump announced his latest round of “beautiful, perfect” import taxes. Analysts confirm CEOs have been cycling through denial, anger, and depression before ultimately settling on the Wall Street-approved sixth stage: moving all assets to a private island shaped like Trump’s face.
The initial denial phase saw bankers insisting the tariffs were “just a negotiation tactic,” right up until their supply chain reports arrived printed on flaming parchment. Anger followed swiftly, with one hedge fund manager allegedly screaming into a Bloomberg terminal until it autoplayed Cuts of Glory, Trump’s curated playlist of his own TV cameos.
By Wednesday, depression had set in, with several CEOs spotted quietly sobbing into their artisanal quinoa bowls at a Midtown members-only club. “First they came for the semiconductors, and I said nothing because I outsourced them,” muttered one banker between sips of a $400 martini. “Now they’re coming for my yacht’s imported mahogany ashtrays.”
Experts say acceptance is unlikely, given Wall Street’s historical preference for exploiting crises rather than enduring them. The New York Stock Exchange has already begun replacing ticker symbols with Trump’s Twitter insults, while brokers advise clients to “invest in whatever the president last ate on camera.”
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