CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a groundbreaking study that took nearly two decades and an obscene amount of grant money, researchers have confirmed that exercise, yes, that thing your doctor has been nagging you about since 1998, might actually help you live longer. The findings, published in the Journal of No Duh, suggest that regular physical activity could add up to 10 years to your life, provided you don’t immediately undo it by stress-eating a whole pizza afterward.
Lead researcher Dr. Eleanor Rigby admitted the results were “mildly disappointing” in their simplicity. “We tested everything from kale smoothies to standing desks made of bamboo, but it turns out the secret to longevity was just walking slightly faster than a sloth on sedatives,” she said, clutching her ergonomic water bottle in despair. The study also found that participants who ignored the advice entirely lived just long enough to regret it.
Fitness experts were quick to capitalize on the news, with one viral TikToker demonstrating “the one weird trick to extend your lifespan” while doing squats in a neon sports bra. Meanwhile, the rest of humanity collectively groaned and vowed to start tomorrow, or maybe after the next Netflix binge.
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