WASHINGTON — In a damning new report, experts have declared the United States officially unstable after President Trump’s latest term turned the White House into a revolving door of conspiracy theorists and MyPillow executives. The study, conducted by the same people who once called Rome “totally fine,” found that America now operates less like a democracy and more like a group chat gone wrong.
Analysts point to recent developments, including the Department of Justice being rebranded as “Truth Enforcement” and the Supreme Court ruling that all laws must now be interpreted via meme. “Stability is overrated anyway,” said one senator, casually signing an executive order on behalf of the president because “he was busy live-tweeting his breakfast.”
Meanwhile, international allies have begun treating diplomatic meetings like an intervention, with France discreetly sliding pamphlets for “Healthy Democracy Retreats” across the table. At home, citizens have adapted by stockpiling both survival gear and popcorn, unsure whether the next crisis will require a gas mask or just a good seat.
The administration responded to the report by announcing a new “Very Stable Genius” certification program, granting patriotic Americans the right to ignore reality if it clashes with their preferred narrative. When pressed for comment, Trump simply tweeted, “SAD!” before declaring himself winner of the 2028 election in advance, “just to save time.”
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