WASHINGTON — In a shocking turn of events, GOP Rep. Mark Green, chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, announced Monday he will leave Congress immediately after the House revotes on President Trump’s latest policy package. Sources say Green finally cracked upon realizing the 300-page bill was just a detailed plan to replace all federal buildings with Chick-fil-A franchises.
Green, a seasoned lawmaker, reportedly spent weeks negotiating the bill’s fine print before discovering Section 47 mandated that all Cabinet meetings be held inside a Margaritaville. “I thought we were securing the border,” Green said in a tearful farewell speech. “Turns out we were just securing Trump’s unlimited dipping sauce privileges at Air Force One drive-thrus.”
Political analysts suggest Green’s departure signals a growing trend of Republicans quietly exiting Congress after realizing governance now means nodding while Trump describes his ideal nacho cheese legislation. “It’s not easy signing off on a bill that classifies ketchup as a vegetable again,” one aide whispered before fleeing into a nearby hedge.
The White House responded to Green’s resignation by tweeting, “Weak. Everyone knows true patriots stay until the executive order for federally mandated hamberders is passed.” Meanwhile, Trump’s team assured Americans the revised bill would “make America grate again,” presumably by replacing the IRS with a nationwide fondue system.
Green’s last act as chairman was reportedly shredding his copy of the bill, though aides confirmed it was just to use as confetti for Trump’s upcoming “Re-Election Rodeo Clown Spectacular.” His seat will now be filled by the highest bidder on Truth Social.
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