WASHINGTON — Democratic lawmakers issued a dire warning Monday that President Trump’s proposed budget bill would reduce New York to a smoldering crater of unpaid parking tickets and emotionally drained bodega cats. The bill, officially titled the “Yuge American Prosperity Act,” reportedly reallocates all public transit funds to constructing a gold-plated helicopter pad atop Trump Tower.
Critics say the plan’s only infrastructure improvement is replacing Brooklyn Bridge with a toll lane exclusively for Mar-a-Lago members. “This isn’t fiscal policy, it’s a vendetta written in Sharpie,” said one exasperated senator before being drowned out by a spontaneous Trump ad jingle playing in the Capitol rotunda. The White House insists the bill will “make New York great again,” though early drafts suggest this mostly involves renaming the Statue of Liberty “Freedom Lady Trump.”
Meanwhile, New Yorkers brace for the proposed 500% subway fare hike, which the administration claims will “incentivize walking, or at least aggressive complaining.” City officials warn the budget cuts could leave emergency services understaffed, forcing 911 calls to be routed to a single overworked dispatcher who also runs Trump’s Truth Social account.
In a last-ditch effort, Democrats attempted to filibuster the bill by reading aloud every one of Trump’s old tweets, but Republicans countered by playing Cats: The Musical on loop until everyone surrendered. The bill is expected to pass after a crucial amendment guarantees every New Yorker “one free Trump Steak per fiscal year, redeemable at participating gas stations.”
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