LOS ANGELES — President Donald Trump ordered thousands of National Guard troops into Los Angeles this morning, explaining that the best way to calm the unrest is to “straighten things out” by reorganizing protesters and traffic into neat, television-friendly rows. Trump said this would “reduce chaos by improving the visual order” for news cameras and drone shots.
White House officials insisted the deployment was not a move toward authoritarianism but a “civic beautification effort.” The president reportedly told his staff that protests would naturally lose momentum if people were encouraged to stand in evenly spaced lines. Trump emphasized that a “well-organized disturbance” is easier to manage and “much more aesthetically pleasing.”
Critics warned that using federal troops against civilians signals a troubling drift toward authoritarian rule. Trump responded that the troops are simply there to provide “helpful guidance,” such as handing out measuring tape to ensure equal spacing between signs. Officials confirmed that soldiers will politely assist with crowd choreography and occasionally offer suggestions for more coordinated chanting rhythms.
Eyewitnesses reported that National Guard units calmly directed protesters into tidy formations, offering bottled water and laminated protest schedules. Troops reportedly informed residents that this was “a community alignment initiative, not a crackdown.” Trump later described the scene as “very organized, very peaceful, almost like a parade but with more passion.”
Trump announced that Los Angeles will now serve as the national template for “protest improvement zones” across the country. When asked about potential government overreach, the president assured reporters that he simply wanted to “keep America in straight lines.” He then boarded Marine One while pointing to a new map with all protests neatly color-coded and labeled as “currently in progress, but now much more attractive.”
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