WASHINGTON — In a brave move to “spice things up,” President Donald Trump announced today the complete dismantling of Medicaid, citing its “unbearable dullness” as a major flaw. Trump unveiled a nationwide raffle system where sick Americans can now win healthcare by chance, calling it “much more exciting and ratings-friendly.” Officials appeared confused but applauded anyway.
The president stated that politics around Medicaid had “lost their entertainment value,” describing policy debates as “low-energy snooze fests.” Trump argued that healthcare should be “fun, dangerous, and totally unpredictable,” promising that the new weekly Medicaid Raffle will be hosted live on TrumpTV, complete with flashing lights and a theme song personally approved by Kid Rock.
Critics voiced concerns that replacing essential healthcare with a lottery could result in mass suffering and catastrophic outcomes. In response, Trump shrugged, noting that “suffering builds character and also makes great television.” The first winner, a man with kidney failure, was awarded a voucher for a free ambulance ride to a participating urgent care center located four states away.
White House officials confirmed that the decision stemmed from the president’s personal boredom with spreadsheets, policy briefings, and the sight of doctors in lab coats. Trump reportedly demanded, “Get me something with more pizzazz,” while throwing a Medicaid folder into a gold-plated trash can. The cabinet unanimously agreed that raffles had significantly better optics.
Insiders revealed that future raffle prizes might include temporary insulin access, one-month prescription discounts, or a handshake from Dr. Oz. When asked how low-income families should now plan for medical emergencies, Trump’s team handed reporters scratch-off tickets featuring the president’s face winking. “It’s gonna be huge,” Trump promised, while spinning a carnival prize wheel live on national television.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
