TOPEKA — Chaos broke out at a local Walmart this week after the retail giant deployed security robots to patrol its stores and parking lots. Customers immediately expressed outrage, claiming they now feel surveilled, hunted, and less free than a rotisserie chicken spinning in aisle seven. The robots, Walmart insists, are “just here to help.”
The machines, officially named “SecureAssist Units,” but unofficially called “Narcs on Wheels,” roll through the store blinking red lights and making pleasant-but-threatening chirps. Their duties include scanning for shoplifting, hovering near anyone who coughs, and silently judging your sock choices. Some customers say they miss when loss prevention was just a tired man in a vest.
One angry shopper, Deborah Lane, told reporters, “If I wanted a robot stalking me, I’d marry my Roomba.” She then reportedly slapped a security bot with a flip-flop before being escorted out by a much smaller, much angrier robot. Lane later posted a six-minute Facebook rant filmed in portrait mode. It has received 87,000 shares and four offers to run for local office.
Walmart claims the robots are a cost-saving measure that also enhances safety. They allegedly deter crime using “advanced AI facial recognition,” which mostly means they follow anyone who looks even slightly suspicious, such as teens, parents with loud toddlers, or anyone who remembers RadioShack. Critics argue the robots are less about safety and more about suppressing the ancient art of casual loitering.
At press time, a SecureAssist Unit reportedly cornered a man in the frozen peas section for trying to sneakily eat a Lunchable. Witnesses say the robot played a recording that said, “Shoplifting detected. Repent,” in a soothing Midwestern accent. Walmart later confirmed it’s testing emotional support robots for shoppers triggered by this new dystopian ambiance.
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