AUSTIN — Tesla shares cratered this week, shedding $380 billion in value after CEO Elon Musk’s public feud with President Donald Trump reached a fever pitch, forcing Wall Street to finally admit both men can’t be the same messianic figure at once. The fallout marks the worst corporate performance of 2025 by a hilariously wide margin.
The conflict, sparked after Trump called Musk “a nerd with commitment issues” at a Waffle House fundraiser, escalated rapidly when Musk responded by tweeting a video of a self-driving Tesla running over a red hat. Investors panicked, unsure which unstable billionaire to irrationally believe in. Some split portfolios based on horoscope signs and caffeine intake.
Analysts say the loss reflects growing market confusion about Tesla’s identity. “Is it a car company? A tech cult? A vibe?” said MarketBeat contributor Cheryl Han. “Now that Musk is alienating half his fanbase by attacking their actual president, shareholders are realizing Teslas can’t run on vibes alone. Especially when half the charging stations are now Chick-fil-A drive-thrus.”
Meanwhile, Trump claimed victory over Musk on Truth Social, writing, “TESLA STOCK DOWN BIG. MAYBE ELON SHOULD FOCUS ON CARS INSTEAD OF ME. EVERYONE LOVES ME. EVEN ELECTRICITY.” The White House confirmed Trump celebrated the market collapse by attempting to high-five a solar panel. It cracked under pressure, much like the grid.
In an emergency earnings call that was just Musk livestreaming from a sauna, he reassured shareholders by muttering “long-term vision” twelve times and briefly mentioning Mars. Stock dipped another 9%. Experts say recovery is unlikely unless Musk hugs Trump on camera or names a new car the “MAGA Model Y.”
At press time, investors were transferring funds into bottled water, canned beans, and Taylor Swift NFTs.
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