BOSTON — In a move experts are calling “completely expected but still mildly exhausting,” Emerson University fired tenured political science professor Dr. Helen Markes after she expressed an opinion on campus that hadn’t been approved by the university’s Committee for Permissible Thoughts. The opinion, officials clarified, was “expressed verbally and with sincerity,” compounding the offense.
Markes, who taught for 22 years and published seven books nobody finished reading, made the error of suggesting during a lecture that “nuance still exists in politics.” Students immediately evacuated the room using the campus trauma slide, and one reportedly called 911 to report an act of historical violence. “It was horrifying,” said junior Kayla Myers. “She didn’t even preface it with a trigger warning.”
University leadership said that while they support academic freedom, that freedom cannot include statements that make people feel vaguely unsettled or challenged. “Her suggestion that truth may not belong exclusively to one side undermines our deeply held institutional belief in yelling,” said Provost Bradley Finch. “We must protect our students from the ancient evil of open discussion.”
Though Markes was escorted off campus by a team of diversity compliance officers wielding quote-redaction spray, her course on “Critical Political Paradoxes” will be replaced with a new offering: “Healing Through Screen-Printing,” taught by an Instagram activist with seven months of experience and two viral TikToks.
Asked for comment, Dr. Markes stated, “This is fine. I’ll go write a Substack newsletter for five ex-professors and a disillusioned accountant in Ohio.” Her firing is now the subject of a university-sponsored debate titled Free Speech: Is It Just Hate With Wi-Fi? scheduled for next Thursday in the Meditation Dome. Attendance is mandatory. Participants must wear blindfolds to prevent bias.
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