WASHINGTON — In a bold attempt to justify the average $120,000 cost of a four-year degree, the Department of Education announced Thursday that all U.S. colleges will be converted into haunted escape rooms by 2026. Officials claim the experience will finally offer students something “memorable, terrifying, and vaguely character-building.”
Under the new plan, freshmen will be blindfolded, handed a minor in Communications, and dropped into abandoned dorms filled with fog machines, crumbling job prospects, and actors dressed as student loan officers. Students must “escape” by solving riddles like “What can I do with a Philosophy degree?” and “Who actually uses MLA format in real life?”
Education Secretary Jenna Broyles praised the plan’s immersive realism. “We wanted students to really feel the crushing weight of existential dread in a more theatrical setting,” she said. “Plus, now tuition includes dry ice and fake blood, which is technically experiential learning.” The first university to pilot the program will be Ohio, since it seemed emotionally ready.
Colleges have embraced the shift enthusiastically. Harvard announced its maze will feature a hedge fund manager chasing undergrads through a hedge maze. Arizona State’s version will just be regular class registration. Parents initially voiced concern, but were reassured when told the escape rooms would still have merch stores and campus Starbucks.
Critics warn the haunted format may not improve job placement or reduce debt. One skeptical grad student said, “I escaped the basement, but I still owe Sallie Mae $87,000 and a kidney.” The Department responded with a shrug and a waiver. At press time, students at Rutgers were trapped inside a lecture hall until they correctly guessed the Wi-Fi password or developed emotional resilience. Neither has happened yet.
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