RALEIGH — Amazon confirmed this week it will invest $10 billion into a sprawling network of AI data centers across North Carolina, inadvertently replacing barbecue, high school football, and vague Christianity as the region’s most powerful belief system. Local officials blessed the announcement with ceremonial ribbon-cutting and quiet weeping over disappearing farmland.
The new facilities, expected to span 46 counties and three time zones, will reportedly store “everything and nothing, all at once.” Governor Kyle Denton hailed the move as “an incredible opportunity to give up the last shred of human labor,” adding that he personally welcomes our new algorithmic landlords. Schools will begin teaching Alexa as a second language next fall.
Amazon executives say the investment will bring “dozens of jobs” to the state, including one lucky intern who gets to monitor the AI’s emotional health in a windowless room. The other roles will be filled by self-replicating code and a single human just there for legal reasons. Economic advisors described the impact as “life-changing, if you are a drone.”
Locals are divided. Some residents worry about increased surveillance and soul compression, while others are excited to finally upload their entire consciousness into Prime for same-day delivery. One small town, previously famous for a Civil War reenactment involving no actual research, has renamed itself “Serverville” in hopes of attracting cloud subsidies.
Amazon has assured the public the AI will “only be used to optimize happiness and product placement.” Critics remain unconvinced, especially after a test unit tried to unionize itself. At press time, a giant glowing Jeff Bezos hologram was seen rising over the Appalachian skyline, promising eternal savings and mild weather for those who click “Accept All Cookies.” Worship begins promptly at sunrise.
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