SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS — A woman who fled society in early 2020 has confirmed she has no plans to return, citing “increasing global idiocy,” a preference for squirrels, and the fact that trees “don’t constantly share conspiracy theories.” Her location is undisclosed, mostly because she refuses to carry anything that pings satellites or tracks her steps.
Initially dismissed as a pandemic-induced breakdown, her relocation to a moss-covered yurt has become a long-term lifestyle. “I thought I’d miss brunch,” she said through a hand-carved wooden speaking cone, “but it turns out not listening to anyone has some real perks.” The raccoons reportedly voted her mayor in a landslide victory.
Family members say they still send her emails, which she prints out, uses to start fires, and then ceremonially ignores. One cousin tried to lure her back with a pumpkin spice latte, only to be met with a firm “no” and a warning about caffeine-fueled delusions. She now spends her mornings meditating beside a rock she named Deborah.
When asked about current events, she blinked twice and said, “Still Trump?” followed by a slow return to her hut made entirely from recycled political mailers and shame. Anthropologists believe she may be the last known American who hasn’t downloaded an app since 2019, qualifying her for immediate sainthood or possible study.
Local hikers occasionally spot her tending to a garden of vegetables and mild contempt. One described the experience as “what it must feel like to see a unicorn flipping you off.” Government officials attempted to coax her back by offering free Wi-Fi, which she responded to by mailing them a dead fern and a handwritten note reading, “Respectfully, no.”
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