CINCINNATI, OH — Pampers manufacturer Procter & Gamble announced Monday it will slash 7,000 jobs over the next two years, citing economic uncertainty and rising tariffs. President Donald Trump immediately applauded the decision, saying it proves his policies are “finally teaching America’s infants about personal responsibility and pulling themselves up by their bootie straps.”
The restructuring plan comes after tariffs on imported fluff pulp and elastic spiked 80%, making each diaper approximately worth more than a gallon of milk and slightly less than a used Honda. “The market has spoken,” said one P&G executive, while quietly Googling “jobs not involving absorbent technology.” Workers were handed pink slips and commemorative wipes.
White House officials assured the public this was “totally expected” and part of Trump’s multi-phase plan to “restore American dignity by phasing out unnecessary crutches like diapers, baby food, and public empathy.” One aide clarified that the president sees newborns as “strong, unregulated future voters” who should “get on the grind by month two.”
Economists warned that losing 7,000 jobs from one company could ripple through supply chains. Trump replied that rippling builds character, adding, “Babies crying? That’s just free speech at full volume.” His administration is rumored to be floating a new proposal called the “Stand Your Ground, Even If You Just Learned To Stand” bill.
Parents across the nation are reportedly panic-hoarding diapers, duct tape, and emotional stamina. One mother described the announcement as “apocalyptic,” while her toddler proudly soiled a pillow in protest. Procter & Gamble is currently working on a new slogan: We May Be Restructuring, But Your Baby Still Leaks.
When asked if he felt bad, Trump said, “No, I feel fantastic. And dry.”
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