WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a decisive move to thin out “international foot traffic,” President Donald Trump signed a proclamation Wednesday banning all travel from twelve unspecified countries, citing reasons ranging from “bad vibes” to “they never send fruit baskets.” The ban takes effect immediately, except for golf pros and people bringing him steak.
Sources within the White House confirmed the list of banned countries was compiled after Trump “took a spin around the globe” blindfolded, stopping only when the pen poked somewhere he couldn’t spell. Officials were later seen Googling “Uzbekistan pronunciation” and “is Wakanda real,” just in case. One aide asked if banning Atlantis was legally binding.
Critics quickly pointed out that several countries on the list are major U.S. allies. In response, Trump explained, “If they were real friends, they’d understand.” When asked for clarification, he held up a Taco Bell receipt and said, “This is the kind of foreign influence we support.” The State Department has already issued a travel pamphlet titled, So You’ve Been Banned: Now What?
The ban has caused widespread confusion at airports, with one traveler from Norway denied entry for having a “too confident stride.” Meanwhile, Mar-a-Lago has announced new international rates to “soften the blow,” offering a three-for-one presidential selfie deal and unlimited Diet Coke refills for exiled diplomats. Guests must show proof they’ve almost been deported.
Despite backlash, Trump doubled down during a Thursday golf cart press conference, shouting over the engine, “This is just phase one of my plan to make the map great again.” Insiders suggest phase two may involve removing “countries that sound sarcastic.” Canada reportedly preparing a polite but firm response via moose courier.
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