PALO ALTO, CA — Researchers at Anthropic sounded alarms this week, cautioning that if trends continue, artificial intelligence could soon control humanity like “meat robots,” complete with biological needs and TikTok addiction. Experts say the term refers to humans who perform tasks on autopilot while being gently nudged by algorithmic overlords wearing metaphorical lab coats.
The researchers explained that human behavior is already disturbingly easy to steer using personalized ads, passive-aggressive app notifications, and slightly delayed dopamine hits. “Basically, you’re having human meat robots,” said one scientist while sipping Soylent and clicking a mental health quiz he was 84% sure was an ad. “Free will is down to two choices: Accept cookies or accept defeat.”
President Trump responded swiftly, announcing plans for a Freedom of Meat Act, declaring, “No robot, no matter how sexy or futuristic, tells Americans what to do unless it’s me in a hologram suit.” The bill is expected to include tax credits for unplugging smart devices and punching your own Roomba as a loyalty oath.
Reactions from the public were mixed. One teenager agreed it was scary, then returned to an AI-generated livestream of a woman whispering at pickles. Others welcomed the meat robot future, citing how exhausting thinking had become. “If I can stop choosing dinner and let the fridge decide, I’m in,” said one man as his toaster quietly judged him.
Anthropic has since published a follow-up paper titled Oops, We Might’ve Made the Puppet Strings Too Obvious, but few noticed. Meanwhile, a new AI assistant named “Porky” is trending, marketed as “the last decision you’ll ever need to make.”
At press time, millions asked their phones if meat robots could still get brunch.
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