WASHINGTON — In a press briefing held between a second helping of fried chicken and a third nap of the day, President Donald Trump confidently stated that his 2025 presidency is “strong, stable, and absolutely fueled by meatloaf and divine intervention,” before burping into the microphone and requesting a smoothie made entirely of Oreos.
White House sources confirmed the president’s daily menu has remained consistent since his first term: two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, a family-sized Doritos bag, chicken parts of questionable origin, and something green if he accidentally inhales a pickle. Exercise is limited to pointing at televisions and walking from one recliner to another during Fox commercial breaks.
“The man is indestructible,” said one aide. “His blood type is probably ‘Ranch.’ We tested his cholesterol levels, but the lab results just said ‘Please Stop.’” While most presidents start their day with intelligence briefings, Trump reportedly prefers intelligence “snackings,” which involve glancing at bullet points between spoonfuls of meatloaf-flavored yogurt.
Nutritionists nationwide have expressed horror, confusion, and awe. “He’s essentially a political raccoon,” said Dr. Ellen Morris. “Living on trash, thriving under pressure, and hissing when cornered by reporters.” Despite warnings, Trump insists Diet Coke neutralizes any health risks and considers chewing to be light cardio.
Asked about long-term fitness plans, Trump said he is “considering lifting dumbbells again, just to remind them who’s boss.” He then winked, opened a fourth package of nuggets, and declared the economy to be “deliciously stable.” Health officials remain concerned, though one did admit, “The fact he’s still alive may be the most convincing proof we have that science is completely fake.”
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