WASHINGTON — A groundbreaking new report released Tuesday by the Institute of Unnecessary Research has confirmed what millions already suspected: being poor in America continues to suck with historic consistency, trailing only behind “active fire” and “being chased by bees” on the national misery index compiled quarterly by unpaid interns.
The report outlines various reasons for this unpleasantness, including wages that wouldn’t feed a squirrel, housing costs that suggest landlords believe walls are made of diamonds, and health insurance plans that mostly cover prayers and Band-Aids. Researchers observed that most Americans living in poverty spend 63 percent of their time debating whether to fix a tooth or pay rent.
One researcher commented anonymously, “We wanted to study economic inequality but accidentally discovered a new genre of horror.” The average poor household, according to the report, has mastered the art of stretching a can of beans for three meals, two snacks, and one birthday cake. College degrees remain expensive decorative items for walls they cannot afford to hang them on.
In interviews, poor Americans said the worst part was being repeatedly told that financial hardship builds character, mostly by people who use words like “brunch” as a verb. Government officials responded swiftly by suggesting the poor should consider “retraining as influencers” or “selling their plasma more creatively,” which they called a win-win for everyone involved except the poor.
Economists say solutions may exist, but most of them require empathy, taxation, or bothering billionaires, so are largely off the table. Until then, the study recommends poor Americans invest in winning the lottery or being born to different parents. Results may vary, but at least the bees tend to leave you alone if you stay still.
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