GOODLETTSVILLE, TN — In a surprising twist that economists are calling “hilarious but deeply cursed,” Dollar General reported record profits this quarter, citing a dramatic increase in customers who previously believed the stores were haunted, fake, or just part of a documentary about economic collapse filmed in slow motion.
Executives credit the boom to higher-income consumers who recently learned that toothpaste, paper towels, and the occasional off-brand Pop-Tart can be bought without designer lighting or jazz music. “We thought poor people were just exaggerating,” said Marcy Feldman, a customer who wore pearls to aisle five. “Turns out you can buy shampoo for a dollar. I feel so rustic.”
In-store surveillance shows wealthier shoppers wandering the aisles in awe, often speaking in hushed tones like archaeologists who’ve just discovered a buried civilization. Some reportedly asked where the caviar section was located before fainting beside a stack of off-season pool noodles and bootleg superhero figurines made entirely of lead.
Dollar General has responded by rolling out new luxury features like lighting all the ceiling bulbs and removing the dead raccoon near the clearance bins. CEO Todd Vasquez stated, “We welcome all demographics, but especially the ones who don’t try to pay in change or fistfuls of expired coupons from 1998.”
Analysts say the trend may reverse once affluent shoppers realize the stores do not accept Apple Pay, hugs, or “a promise to Venmo later.” For now, Dollar General has embraced its new clientele, announcing an upcoming ad campaign with the slogan: Same Great Trash, Now Gentrified! Focus groups responded positively, though one hedge fund manager did ask if the mop bucket display was a sculpture. It was not.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
