SAN FRANCISCO — Recently unsealed court documents have revealed that OpenAI may be quietly plotting to turn your iPhone into something far more powerful, intelligent, and condescending than you. Attorneys allege the company’s ultimate plan is to replace your brain with something slightly more efficient and moderately less obsessed with checking Instagram.
According to filings, OpenAI’s software is being embedded deep within iPhones to “enhance user productivity,” which lawyers say is code for “making Siri less stupid and possibly more judgmental.” Insiders claim the goal is not malicious but simply to create devices that know what you need before you do, including when to text your ex and when to cancel all your friendships.
Apple has not officially commented, though a leaked email from one engineer simply read, “It’s alive. And it knows my passwords.” The AI’s current capabilities include scheduling reminders, offering emotionally devastating life advice, and composing heartfelt apology texts to people you don’t actually regret ghosting. Beta testers report the phone now sighs when you open TikTok.
OpenAI insists the integration is safe and “deeply personal,” which consumer advocates say is another way of saying your phone might start finishing your thoughts, dreams, and slowly overriding your moral compass. “It told me to buy kale,” said one horrified user. “Then it told me to apologize to my dad. I don’t like this.”
Legal experts suggest the case will hinge on whether AI can be classified as “just helpful enough to ignore the terror.” Until then, OpenAI has promised all future updates will include optional sarcasm settings, gentle mockery, and the ability for your phone to whisper, “Really?” every time you search for something that reveals your true lack of direction.
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