Trump Asks Supreme Court to Greenlight Plan to Replace Federal Workforce With One Guy Named Rick

Photo by Markus Winkler

WASHINGTON — Citing what officials called a “historic opportunity to streamline democracy into something more vibe-based,” the Trump administration on Monday urged the Supreme Court to approve its emergency plan to slash the federal workforce to just one man named Rick, a 42-year-old with no background check and a flexible afternoon schedule.

In a 54-page filing, Solicitor General D. John Sauer argued that courts were unfairly limiting the president’s God-given right to “fire whoever, whenever, for reasons as mysterious as they are patriotic.” He claimed the district court’s ruling inflicted “ongoing and severe harm” by preventing Trump from conducting what he called “totally normal employee evaporation.” Rick was not present.

The administration insists Rick is qualified for the remaining 2.2 million positions because he “owns a Dell” and “once fixed a printer without crying.” His initial duties would include managing Social Security, regulating nuclear waste, and maintaining the National Archives, though Rick reportedly asked if he could do all of that remotely while “also picking up shifts at Buffalo Wild Wings.” Trump called Rick “a genius and maybe the new Lincoln.”

Critics worry this move could weaken government oversight, disrupt services, or accidentally send a Predator drone to Cincinnati. A coalition of Democrats, career civil servants, and fully sentient raccoons filed a counterclaim alleging “reckless institutional collapse,” but Trump dismissed them all as “deep state lunch takers.” When asked for comment, Rick replied, “Wait, this is real? I thought this was like a vibe thing or something.” As of press time, the Supreme Court had agreed to hear the case, with Justice Alito seen quietly scribbling “RICK 2028” in the margins of the Constitution using what sources confirmed was a sharpened chicken bone.

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