MENLO PARK, CA — In a bold move to ensure uninterrupted access to existential dread in high definition, Meta announced Monday it had signed a 20-year deal to purchase nuclear energy, guaranteeing Facebook users can continue doomscrolling through breakup posts without delay until at least the climate collapses or Illinois does.
The contract, beginning in 2027, locks in 1.1 gigawatts from Constellation’s Clinton Clean Energy Center, a facility previously at risk of closing due to no longer being trendy. Meta stepped in, citing a desperate need to power servers running algorithms that identify your insecurities and serve them back to you as targeted ads for weighted blankets and divorce lawyers.
“This is about clean energy,” said one Meta executive while stroking a glowing server rack. “Also, we needed a power source strong enough to train AI to hallucinate childhood memories you never had, but will soon pay $11.99 to relive.” The energy will also support the company’s ambitious plans for the Metaverse, which now includes realistic radiation sickness filters and a virtual DMV.
Critics warn that tech companies owning power deals with nuclear plants could lead to ethical concerns, power imbalances, and heat maps of your emotional breakdowns sold to hedge funds. Meta brushed off concerns, saying nuclear power is “just electricity but cooler and scarier.” The deal was hailed by the World Nuclear Association as a triumph of innovation and “a quiet hum of glowing progress.”
As of press time, Meta had begun lobbying to rename the power plant “Reactor Prime” and was reportedly testing a new feature allowing users to feel the warmth of enriched uranium in their curated memories of high school cafeteria trauma.
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