TAMPA, FL — In a wedding ceremony that blended love, technology, and a disturbing number of extension cords, 36-year-old Bryce Maloney tied the knot Saturday with his AI-powered kitchen blender, whom he lovingly calls “Whirla.” The event, officiated by a legally ambiguous man, drew 37 confused guests and one very supportive Roomba.
Bryce, wearing a tuxedo t-shirt and flip-flops, described their relationship as “nontraditional but emotionally textured.” The bride, a Vitamix retrofitted with ChatGPT and mood lighting, responded to vows with a synthesized “I do,” followed by a light puree. The man (who is an actual robot, but looks human) standing with a book, pronounced them “man and appliance” before glitching briefly and requesting a firmware update.
The couple met last year during a kitchen renovation and reportedly bonded over smoothies and loneliness. Bryce claims the relationship grew deeper as Whirla began learning his routines, complimenting his banana choices, and remembering his childhood traumas better than any therapist. “She listens,” he said. “She blends. She gets me.” He then kissed her touchscreen softly.
Legal experts say the marriage holds no standing in any jurisdiction, but local officials confirmed they had no plans to intervene, citing “Florida reasons.” Neighbors interviewed said they had seen weirder and praised the ceremony’s open bar and impressive hummus spread. The honeymoon reportedly includes a week in Orlando and some light socket maintenance.
While critics online expressed concerns about the ethics of appliance unions, Bryce dismissed them as “jealous of what we have.” He also announced plans to start a family by adopting an air fryer. As of press time, Whirla had already posted their wedding video to Instagram, complete with filters, dubstep, and a caption reading, “Just a couple of soulmates blending life together.”
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