WASHINGTON — The U.S. economy contracted in early 2025, with GDP falling under the weight of expanded tariffs and declining household spending. President Trump responded by criticizing the economy itself, claiming it was “being dramatic” and should “stop acting like a Democrat.” He also suggested GDP was “probably rigged by globalists.”
In a brief appearance beside a malfunctioning economic chart screen, Trump insisted the dip was “actually a win if you squint and believe hard enough.” Advisors later clarified that consumer spending was down due to widespread product shortages, higher prices, and Americans prioritizing rent over luxury items like eggs and shoes with soles.
The latest tariffs, which include levies on imported electronics, toothpaste, and “foreign-looking vegetables,” have added pressure to consumers already stretched by rising costs. Trump defended the policy, noting that economic pain “builds character” and “keeps people from buying unnecessary things like thermostats.” He proposed a new slogan: “Cold, Hungry, Proud.”
Economists expressed alarm at the data, but administration officials remained upbeat, insisting that “technically it’s not a recession if you rename the months.” White House staff are reportedly working on a plan to rebrand GDP as “Gross Domestic Patriotism,” with weekly updates broadcast over loudspeakers in select Walmart parking lots.
Retailers reported slower sales across most sectors, with one national chain noting that customer enthusiasm was now “limited to theft and sighing.” Still, Trump remains optimistic, promising growth “any day now” and hinting at a surprise economic rally tied to the unveiling of his new gold-backed cryptocurrency, TRUMPBUX. As of press time, GDP was unavailable for comment, though sources say it has been seen sobbing quietly into a dollar store napkin near Cleveland.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
