WASHINGTON — In a setback for President Trump’s plan to “streamline America into one office chair,” a federal judge on Monday halted key parts of his initiative to replace 37 agencies with a single man named Rick, who owns a folding table and once fixed a printer without being asked.
The downsizing, announced at a rally where Trump unveiled a diagram consisting only of a stick figure saluting a dollar sign, aimed to consolidate all regulatory duties under Rick’s broad and lightly defined title, “Head of All That Stuff.” Rick, a former RadioShack manager with a tolerance for chaos, had already begun issuing permits from his backyard.
White House officials defended the plan, insisting Rick’s natural ability to say “We’ll figure it out later” made him uniquely suited to run departments such as the EPA, FDA, and something called “Whatever’s Left.” “Rick doesn’t get bogged down in bureaucracy,” said acting Deputy Assistant to the Secretary of Nothing. “He just kind of vibes his way through.”
Critics argued the move could lead to lapses in oversight, including the possibility of Rick accidentally approving uranium shipments to hobbyists. The judge’s pause means Rick must now return all 142 rubber stamps, as well as the ceremonial flamethrower gifted to him by Trump during the “Independence From Overhead” parade.
Though temporarily thwarted, Trump vowed to fight back, tweeting that he “will not rest until the government fits in a single Arby’s booth.” Sources say Rick remains optimistic, noting that if the ruling stands, he’s considering starting a YouTube channel where he governs voluntarily in 20-minute videos called “Rick Rules.” In the mean time, FEMA has reportedly asked him to stop mailing emergency blankets to random zip codes.
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