ORLANDO, FL — Local man Brent Mallory filed a lawsuit against Walt Disney World this week, claiming one of its water slides reached “Fast and Furious levels of emotional devastation.” The lawsuit alleges the slide launched him into a new tax bracket of terror and left him questioning gravity itself.
Mallory, 38, described the slide as “less recreational, more baptism by velocity.” Witnesses say his screams achieved dolphin frequency before vanishing entirely into stunned silence. Park medics confirmed he exited the ride 3% taller, 17% angrier, and “completely unsure of what year it was.” His swim trunks were never located.
The slide, part of Disney’s “Aqua Apocalypse” expansion, features a nearly vertical drop, six ill-advised turns, and a brief flirtation with interdimensional travel. Disney promotional materials describe it as “thrilling but legally survivable.” Mallory insists it should require a license, helmet, or possibly a priest at the bottom.
According to court documents, Mallory is seeking damages for physical distress, spiritual misalignment, and “one very public wedgie.” He says the experience left him unable to trust water or theme park mascots with encouraging thumbs-up gestures. His lawyer added that no one should leave a slide questioning whether they saw God or Goofy.
Disney responded with a statement calling the suit “magically misguided” and confirmed the ride passed all safety checks, including a test run by two engineers and one confused pelican. They offered Mallory a lifetime fast pass, which he called “a veiled threat.” His case is expected to go to court this fall, assuming he can stop shaking long enough to testify. In the meantime, the slide remains open, with thrill-seeking guests reporting only minor injuries and one spontaneous enlightenment.
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