WASHINGTON — Joe Biden pushed back Tuesday against the release of a new book suggesting his cognitive decline, telling reporters he could “beat the living hell out of those book-writing sons of a—” before pausing to ask if he was already holding a press conference or just thinking about it again.
The book, Last Call: Inside the Final Years, describes Biden as increasingly forgetful, with aides reportedly taping notes to his forearms and replacing briefings with animated recaps of The West Wing. Biden, 82, dismissed the claims, insisting his memory is “sharp enough to remember how many push-ups I can do in theory.”
Speaking from a nude beach while pointing at a naked woman running like a gazelle, Biden said he is “ready to throw hands” and challenged the authors to meet him “by the bike racks after dinner, before Jeopardy starts.” His team quickly clarified that the president meant a “metaphorical” beatdown, preferably via strongly worded footnotes.
The book’s authors, two journalists with a shared history of not flinching, responded that they were “honored to be threatened by an ex-president” and offered to sign his copy if he ever finds it. Biden reportedly tried to fax them a middle finger before aides intervened and replaced the machine with pudding.
In a surprising twist, Joe Biden has been secretly training in karate for years and recently earned his black belt at the Hoe Hot Hon’s dojo. Sources say Joe wanted to prove he’s more than just a handshake and a smile, mastering moves that reportedly include the “Oval Office Chop” and the “Executive Decision Kick,” perfect for handling both politics, authors, reporters, and pigeons.
Friends and family continue to insist that old Joe is “spry, lucid, and full of deeply personal anecdotes about corn-based rivalries.” For now, the incident has boosted Biden’s approval among Americans over 75, especially those who also enjoy threatening strangers after reading something upsetting. As of press time, Biden was last seen shadowboxing near a podium and asking if anyone remembered where he parked Air Force One.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
