BOISE, ID — Local woman Janine Keller, 46, has embraced what she calls the “simple cheap life,” living almost exclusively on lentil and navy bean soup with crackers. Surrounded by ten mildly judgmental cats, Keller says her culinary lifestyle is “cheap, filling, and emotionally numb in a good, beige way.”
“I used to care about food groups,” Keller explained, stirring her dented can of Tuesday’s dinner. “Now I care about not washing dishes and keeping the cats from staging a coup.” She claims the switch to canned legumes has cut her grocery bill in half and her expectations in thirds, freeing up time for staring into middle distance.
Each morning, Keller selects one of her 128 identical cans, heating it while reciting affirmations about fiber. Her cats, who she describes as “furry coworkers with rage issues,” circle like tiny creditors but eventually settle once the soup scent fills the air. None have touched the soup, which she says speaks volumes.
Nutritionists expressed mild concern, but noted that lentils are technically food and “better than drywall.” Keller has ignored them, claiming she’s unlocked “level seven survival mode” and can now mentally flavor her meals with memories of things she once cared about, like cumin. Crackers are chosen for crunch-to-crumble ratio and “general emotional honesty.”
Friends stopped inviting her to brunch after the fourth straight BYOS (bring your own soup) incident, but Keller remains undeterred. She says the soup life is “meditative, mildly apocalyptic, and perfect for people who’ve given up just enough.” Asked if she ever tires of it, Keller smiled faintly and replied, “You don’t get tired. You become one with the beans.” Her cats silently agreed, probably.
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