SEDONA, AZ — A coalition of world-renowned psychics gathered Thursday to issue their unanimous prediction: 2025 will end in cataclysm. Citing visions of fire, plagues, sentient rats, and another surprise Taylor Swift candidacy, they declared “the worst is yet to come” before collectively collapsing into dramatic, highly Instagrammable trances.
Lead clairvoyant Misty Starfeather claimed she foresaw “oceans boiling, skies darkening, and the return of Y2K energy.” When asked for specifics, she only whispered “November,” then began sketching a flaming DMV. Other psychics described apocalyptic dreams involving waffle iron warfare and silent Zoom meetings with no escape button. A single tear rolled down one medium’s cheek.
The group blamed the coming doom on several converging forces including unchecked AI, planetary misalignment, Florida’s weather, and “the hubris of men who microwave fish at work.” They warned that 2025’s final months will bring “a chaos not seen since the dawn of brunch culture,” advising the public to prepare emotionally and log out of everything.
White House officials responded by launching a new task force to “monitor vibes.” Press Secretary Chloe Glint assured reporters that “there are currently no known threats from rogue planets or prophecy-based disruptions,” although she admitted FEMA has quietly stockpiled crystals, water, and anti-anxiety blankets. President Trump reportedly asked if the psychics could predict poll numbers instead.
Economists remain split on how this psychic news will impact markets, with some suggesting a rush on canned goods, while others believe society collapsed years ago and this is just the final hallucination. Meanwhile, the psychics say they plan to ride out the end times from a hot tub in Sedona, awaiting further visions or whatever happens to come first.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
