SAN FRANCISCO — In a statement that triggered both panic and confused LinkedIn posts, Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei warned that artificial intelligence could wipe out half of all entry-level white-collar jobs within five years. He called this a “necessary culling” of what he described as “email-based occupations.”
Speaking at a tech summit sponsored by seven cryptocurrency startups that no longer exist, Amodei explained that most junior positions are “basically people Googling things slowly with feelings.” He reassured the public that AI would never replace truly creative roles like founder, influencer, or brand disruption consultant. Applause followed, mostly from robots in disguise.
The announcement caused a 12% spike in shares of office chair manufacturers, driven by hopes that humans would now need fewer chairs. Meanwhile, hiring managers at Fortune 500 companies began drafting job posts for “AI babysitters” and “GPT whisperers” with seven years of experience and no salary expectations. Early applicants included recent philosophy grads and desperate interns.
In response to public concern, the White House offered a statement urging calm and proposing a new initiative called “ReSkill America,” which will train displaced workers in the emerging field of AI apology writing. The program will also teach PowerPoint slide formatting, which machines still refuse to do out of principle.
Amodei later clarified his remarks, adding that people could still thrive in the future workplace if they “embrace servitude with charisma” and “become delightful flesh accessories to machine intelligence.” He concluded his speech with a quote from Nietzsche, which AI had written for him minutes earlier. The audience nodded, unsure whether to cheer or check if their own jobs had already disappeared mid-sentence.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
