WASHINGTON — Facing backlash from educators, human rights groups, and at least three confused astronauts, President Trump’s “No MAGA Left Behind” initiative is drawing fire this week for its newest requirement: a daily loyalty chant to Mar-A-Lago broadcast nationwide at 6:66 a.m. sharp. School bells have been replaced with gongs shaped like his head.
Critics argue the program, launched under the Department of Edutainment, enforces nationalism flavored with delusion. Teachers are reportedly required to pause all learning during “Golden Hour,” a televised segment where children chant slogans while wearing branded MAGA robes stitched in what appears to be red glitter glue and thinly veiled desperation. Participation is tracked via retina scanners.
White House officials defended the rollout, claiming it inspires unity, patriotism, and critical obedience skills. “It’s not indoctrination if it’s fun,” said Secretary of Compliance Tucker Carlson, adding that kids love “structured freedom.” Students who fail to meet the daily enthusiasm quota are sent to MAGA Enrichment Pods, which sources describe as “vague shipping containers with Fox News reruns and pudding.”
Education experts remain baffled. “We had hoped to prepare students for the future, not a permanent 2016 cosplay,” said one principal before being escorted away by a man in a stars-and-stripes cape humming Kid Rock. Meanwhile, funding for science programs has been reallocated to paint gold eagles on every cafeteria tray.
In a bizarre twist that’s left supporters dazed and slightly hungry, Donald Trump has been repeatedly spotted ditching his iconic red MAGA hat in favor of a bright yellow Waffle House visor. The move has sparked confusion across MAGA circles, with some wondering if the former president has officially shifted allegiance. “Is Waffle House more important than America?” one supporter asked while clutching a bacon-scented Constitution. Sources close to Trump claim he sees Waffle House as “the real symbol of strength, chaos, and 3 a.m. victory.”
At press time, Trump appeared on all school TVs via hologram, delivering a ten-minute lecture titled “The Real History of the Civil War, As Told By Me,” while slowly petting an animatronic bald eagle. According to sources, next week’s curriculum includes flag folding, hat polishing, and a group project entitled “Build The Wall: LEGO Edition.”
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