WASHINGTON — Citing the importance of letting economic ruin “mature naturally,” the Trump administration on Wednesday asked a federal court to delay its ruling blocking global tariffs until after the economy completes what officials are calling a “full freefall.” The administration insists cutting off the crisis now would be premature and unfair to investors.
White House trade officials say the free market deserves a “clean collapse,” and interrupting that with legal rulings only leads to incomplete suffering. “The American economy has made great strides toward total implosion,” said one aide, adding that international markets are “just starting to panic correctly.” Pausing that spiral, he said, would be like stopping a good horror film mid-scream.
The request comes after a federal judge ruled the tariffs unconstitutional, prompting confusion over whether presidents can actually do whatever they want if they yell loudly enough. Trump’s legal team filed a 78-page document covered mostly in underlined words and patriotic clip art arguing that delaying the ruling “serves the national interest of watching Europe sweat.” Lawyers also cited “vibes-based economics,” a doctrine gaining traction in Mar-a-Lago circles.
Financial analysts are reportedly torn, with some concerned the delay may irreversibly damage global trade, while others have already begun selling panic-themed NFTs in anticipation. “We need clarity,” said one Wall Street executive. “Ideally from someone not currently threatening Denmark.” Meanwhile, American consumers can look forward to paying $47 for a single avocado, a victory White House spokespeople say “definitely proves something.”
At press time, Trump was seen in the Rose Garden trying to explain to a confused pelican that tariffs work like coupons but for dominance. Treasury Secretary Kid Rock is expected to speak later this week, assuming his microphone can be located again.
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