CALIFORNIA — Nvidia reported blockbuster Q1 earnings this week, proving once again that the only thing more valuable than gold these days is the ability to render hyper-realistic shadows in video games. The chip giant also casually mentioned that US export controls will cost them $8 billion in lost China sales, a figure investors apparently interpreted as “adorable pocket change.”
Despite the massive revenue hit, Nvidia’s stock held strong after hours, leaving day traders scrambling to explain to their spouses why they’re suddenly taking a sudden interest in semiconductor geopolitics. Analysts suggest the market’s reaction proves Wall Street now views AI chips as a currency more stable than the dollar, or at least more liquid than your average crypto bro’s portfolio.
The earnings call featured CEO Jensen Huang describing the China situation as “a minor speed bump on the highway to printing money,” while subtly adjusting his leather jacket made entirely of $100 bills. For now in Beijing, officials were reportedly seen desperately trying to train their AI models on abacuses and good old-fashioned communist determination.
As Thursday’s trading opens, brokers everywhere are preparing for either a champagne celebration or a mass leap from very tall buildings, because nothing says “healthy economy” like tying the fate of retirement accounts to whether gamers can get 240 fps in Call of Duty.
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