WASHINGTON — In his latest crusade against established science, independent presidential candidate RFK Jr. announced plans to ban NIH researchers from publishing in “corrupt” medical journals, insisting peer review should be replaced with “like and share” metrics. “If a study can’t go viral between anti-vax mom groups, is it even real science?” asked Kennedy while hand-copying a PubMed article onto his bathroom wall.
The proposal has been met with enthusiasm from Kennedy’s base, who believe medical research should undergo the same rigorous scrutiny as YouTube comment sections. “Why trust The Lancet when you can crowdsource truth from a guy who definitely did his own research?” said one supporter, gesturing to a 72-hour livestream about vaccine microchips. Scientists warn the policy would set back medicine by roughly 300 years, or as Kennedy calls it, “the good old days.”
Mainstream candidates have cautiously avoided commenting, fearing they might accidentally acknowledge Kennedy exists. Meanwhile, NIH staff are reportedly preparing for the transition by practicing how to watermark their findings with “FAKE NEWS” in Comic Sans. A White House spokesperson said Trump fully supports the idea, adding that he too believes science should be “more flexible, like his bone spurs.”
Political analysts note Kennedy’s campaign may ultimately fail, but not before permanently convincing at least 12% of Americans that journals are just Big Pharma’s fanfiction. When pressed for evidence of corruption, Kennedy produced a heavily highlighted copy of “Green Eggs and Ham” with “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” scrawled in the margins.
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