CALIFORNIA — In a mind-altering move to justify Notepad’s continued existence, Microsoft has added an AI “Write” feature to the barebones text editor. The tool promises to generate drafts and expand content, though early testers report it still can’t explain why anyone would choose Notepad over literally any other app. “We’re bringing innovation to places nobody asked for it,” said a Microsoft spokesperson.
Paint’s new AI sticker generator lets users describe their dreams and receive clip art approximations of their disappointment. The object select tool now removes backgrounds with alarming aggression, often deleting important elements like “the subject” or “the point.” Artists report the AI works best when given vague prompts like “make it look less bad” or “pretend I tried.”
The Snipping Tool’s “Perfect Screenshot” feature uses AI to auto-crop images, frequently mistaking important content for “emotional baggage” and removing it entirely. Microsoft assures users these tools will save time, ignoring how much time will be wasted undoing what the AI did. When asked if these features solved actual problems, the AI replied with a 300-word essay in Notepad.
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