WASHINGTON — Speaking from a golf cart parked just outside a classified intelligence briefing, President Donald Trump warned Wednesday that Russian President Vladimir Putin is “playing with fire,” insisting that if it weren’t for his “incredible instincts,” Russia would already be “burnt toast, very charred.” No one present was entirely sure what that meant.
Trump addressed the nation via Truth Social Live, holding up a matchbook he claimed was given to him by “a Ukrainian guy named Stan.” He then explained that he knows when something is flammable, because “I’ve seen Apprentice ratings catch fire before.” He added, with concern, that Putin had not complimented him “once” since resuming airstrikes in Ukraine, which Trump called “a red flag, or maybe a Russian flag.”
According to senior aides, the president has been “deeply frustrated” that Putin has stalled peace negotiations, despite Trump sending him a twelve-page handwritten peace plan consisting mostly of his old hotel menus and the phrase “Let’s Make a Deal.” Trump believes his plan to build a Mar-a-Lago Kyiv “to promote unity” was “genius,” and still blames Zelenskyy for not liking the golden escalator proposal.
“We were very close to peace,” Trump told reporters before accidentally hitting a caddy with a Titleist. “I’ve been very clear: if I didn’t exist, the world might not exist either. Think about that.” He also reiterated his belief that NATO stands for “Not About Trump, Obviously,” and threatened to form his own alliance, “NATWOW,” if the violence continues. When asked what NATWOW stands for, Trump stared blankly for twelve seconds before responding, “It stands for winning.” The White House has since clarified that NATWOW is not a government entity but a new fragrance launching next week.
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