CUPERTINO, CA — Apple confirmed Monday it will dramatically redesign the iPhone every year for the next three generations, allowing consumers to experience the familiar cycle of excitement, financial panic, and deep existential remorse on a more consistent basis. Engineers reportedly described the new approach as “planned obsolescence, but with better marketing language.”
The upcoming redesigns will include groundbreaking changes such as moving the camera 1.5 millimeters to the left, adding another lens labeled “AI,” and requiring a different $49 charger with each model. Early leaks suggest the 2026 iPhone will feature no buttons, no ports, and no instructions, creating what Apple calls a “cleaner, more emotionally demanding experience.”
Apple executives say this strategy will ensure customers never feel content for more than nine months. “We want users to live on the edge of possibility,” said one VP, “and also on the edge of their credit limits.” Analysts expect this approach to drive a 14% increase in people whispering “I hate this phone” while still defending it at brunch.
Some customers expressed excitement at the changes, stating they’re eager to own a phone that will feel psychologically irrelevant before its first software update. “I love the idea of buying a new rectangle every year,” said one man, “especially since I still haven’t figured out the settings on this one.”
Apple has declined to comment on rumors of the 2027 iPhone featuring invisible bezels and a charger that requires a monthly subscription. However, leaked documents suggest the next three models will be called the iPhone Future, iPhone Future Plus, and iPhone Future Max Ultra Vision Touch. Retail employees have already begun training in how to explain why the previous version was never actually that good.
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