WASHINGTON — In a stunning act of diplomacy or avoidance, President Donald Trump announced Sunday he would “graciously pause” the looming 50% tariffs on European Union imports after a tense 12-minute call with European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, which he described as “like being guilt-tripped by a disappointed librarian.”
Sources say the call, initiated by von der Leyen, reportedly contained no yelling, threats, or foul language, making it Trump’s most emotionally destabilizing experience in years. “She didn’t even raise her voice,” Trump said during a White House press ambush. “That was the worst part. The quiet ones are the dangerous ones. Like Melania during prenup negotiations.”
The White House confirmed that Trump retreated from his threat after sensing “a distinct European aura of subtle menace.” Officials described von der Leyen’s tone as “clinical, maternal, and vaguely Germanic,” which reportedly triggered long-dormant childhood memories Trump associates with being denied dessert. No transcript of the call has been released, allegedly because “it would ruin the mystery.”
Although no formal agreement was reached, Trump reassured reporters he still plans to punish Europe economically “at a later date, when the vibes feel right.” He also mentioned possibly replacing tariffs with something more “theatrical,” like sending NATO an invoice or “declaring Belgium fake.” Officials close to the matter nodded without blinking.
European markets, confused but grateful, rallied slightly on the news, while White House staff were seen quietly burning tariff spreadsheets behind the Rose Garden. When asked what ultimately convinced him, Trump replied, “She said she was disappointed, not angry. That’s worse. That’s much worse. I’m not heartless. Just misunderstood and very tariff-curious.” Then he wandered off mid-question, humming Beethoven’s Ode to Joy and mispronouncing “Brussels” as “Broccoli.”
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