WASHINGTON — In a sweeping move hailed by supporters and therapists alike, President Donald Trump has completed his vision of transforming American politics by turning Capitol Hill into what aides describe as a “conceptual lounge for wealthy men in khakis to yell at invisible enemies.” The House chamber now features reclining chairs and cocktail service.
Since reclaiming office in 2025, Trump has reshaped the political ecosystem into something resembling a country club designed by conspiracy theorists and people who’ve never read a book. Congressional debates are now held poolside, where senators discuss legislation between margaritas and sudden medical emergencies. All bills are now passed via putting contest or longest uninterrupted rant.
The Senate Minority Leader has reportedly been replaced by a commemorative statue of Trump’s ninth-favorite caddie, which Trump claims “has more backbone than the last ten Democrats combined.” Political analysts note that traditional party structures have been dissolved into two new factions: Team Freedom Hats and Team Silent Resignation. Both meet biweekly to decide which constitutional amendment to misunderstand next.
Citizens are encouraged to engage with the new system by submitting policy ideas through Mar-a-Lago’s front desk, though most suggestions are lost in the shuffle between shrimp platters and autographed headshots. Trump insists this participatory model “feels more authentic” and has “the vibes of 1776, if everyone had back problems and a tanning addiction.”
Critics argue the changes erode democratic institutions, but Trump defended the reforms by shouting “fake news” while teeing off on a miniature golf replica of the Supreme Court. “Politics was too serious,” Trump told reporters. “Now it’s fun, chaotic, and slightly damp.” At press time, Congress was recessed due to a chlorine leak and a heated debate over whether facts have a liberal bias or just poor branding.
In a twist so unexpected it loops right back to expected, chaos unfolded at Trump National Golf Club when paparazzi captured Donald Trump theatrically shoving a nine iron through his mouth and out the back of his head. Bloodless yet baffling, Trump turned to stunned onlookers and declared, “Greatest trick I ever learned. David Copperfield showed me this technique during a very private brunch.”
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